Wednesday, April 12, 2006

It's Broke

From here on out I am going to refer to my job as CampStupid. As my favorite saying goes, "You can't fix stupid."

Unlike other healthcare institutions we have some unique rules around this camp. Our camp counselors can only do magic math. This must have been in the job requirements somewhere with a secret class only for head counselors given at a secret time and place. This is the math question for the day:

CampStupid schedule maker cannot fill Camp schedule because there are positions for 13 fulltime nurses daily. CampStupid schedule maker has 7 fulltime nurses and two part time nurses. How does CampStupid schedule maker fill all 13 positions?

CampStupid Head Counselor answer: "Well the nurses are just going to have to all pull together and work some overtime."

CampStupid schedule maker points out that every nurse could volunteer to work every single day 24 hours a day and all 13 positions still cannot be filled.

CampStupid Head Counselor answer: "Their (I guess "their" is the seven nurses) will have to make it work. It can work out!"

CampStupid schedule maker, not as wise obviously as the CampStupid Head Counselor, ponders the possibility of some head nurse counselors maybe helping the nurses out. CampStupid head Counselor laughs with all her knowledge and knows that with the magic math this is not needed and that in fact the CampStupid nurses will be fine and
work this out.

So in other words it is pretty rough around CampStupid lately. I can handle a lot, but the blinders management puts on in rough situations has broken me down. I am torn between the good and the bad. The good being the patients that I have cared for all these years, the bad is the blinded management that are too damn optimistic that things will be ok. Things have not been ok for a very long time now. At least six months.

I get this way every year about this time. Fed up and broke down. I make myself hang on because I am torn between what I love and what I hate. I usually work it out, things do get better and life goes on. But I have never felt this beaten down. Thankfully otherwise life is happy outside of work. But I cannot help but drag some of it into the rest of my life. I know I have been a bitch to people I love for no reason they have caused or can help.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I have to tell it!

I don’t pretend to know about religion, or God, or death. I often doubt many religious beliefs and feel like some take the whole thing too far. But every once and awhile something gets me and this is one of those times. I am a reasonable person, often skeptical of the so called miracles in life.

Ms. Jane is one of the most loving individuals I have ever come into contact with. Life and love radiate from her even in her frail state lying in a hospital bed. If there are Angels on earth then Ms. Jane is their close friend. Ms. Jane has come close to death many times. The family was called in, and she lived on for years. Never once complaining about her condition and joking that tomorrow she would be walking out of that bed. Multiple strokes of course would make that an impossible feat.

Wednesday, Ms. Jane, was speaking loudly to someone in her room. Not just speaking, but taking part in a great conversation. Interested I stopped to see who Ms. Jane was talking and laughing heartily with. “Just my mother” she said. The confusion on my face must have showed, because she then said “and Frances”, as if that would clear it up for me. This obviously increased my confused facial expression, because she offered me an explanation. She said, “Come here, I want to tell you something. I am not going to be here much longer but I am ok.” She then asked me to call a family member, so she could see them. I did, since she asked me to. He arrived and spoke to her, and then stopped to speak to me. He relayed that the family and Ms. Jane want her kept comfortable, “just in case”.

Ms. Jane continued for the rest of the week to speak to “people” in her room. In the early hours of the morning Ms. Jane’s oxygen leveled dropped and her respirations increased. The family was once again called in. By the time I arrived to work at 2:30 Ms. Jane was herself again, her oxygen level was 99 to 100%. A family member told me Ms. Jane was asking for me so I went, as I entered the room she was smiling and said come here. I did. Get closer, she said. I did, No closer and bend down here. She kissed me on the cheek and said “You have always been good to me. You never was anything else. You mean so much and I love you. I won’t be here much longer just so you know. But I am ok, I have already talked to God, and my mother.” I left the room with tears in my eyes. She then spent the next hour or so requesting various staff members to come see her. They all left with similar stories like mine. After supper she fell asleep. Her family left quietly and told me to let her know they would be back tomorrow; they didn’t want to wake her. Later when she awoke I told her they had left and would be back, she said, “Well that is nice, but they really don’t have to, I won’t be here”. She smiled, and then added “but that is ok.” She denied the need to see a priest; she continued to say that she has already talked with God. I guess once you “talk to God” a priest seems a little less necessary.

Ms. Jane left this life the next day. When I heard I cried, not tears of sadness, but joy. I have heard others say that before and I always thought, yeah right. But for the first time in my life I not only mean it, but felt it. If death is even half of the happiness Ms. Jane brought into the world, then it truly will be a place we should want to be.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

I have always wanted a Siberian Husky with ice blue eyes. But my fiancé talked me into a much smaller dog. I wouldn’t trade her for the bluest eyes in the world, but someway somehow I am going to figure out how to be the boss in this house.

Housebroke? What is that? Not chewing on the couch…go ahead. Sleeping in your own place instead of my bed? No way. This 6lb rat looking terrier is the master here. I know I am being too soft hearted, but how can I not be? Just look at her!

This is Zoe, my three month old Norwich Terrier. I have never owned a dog that I could 100% identify as any breed so being able to that is a little exciting. But nevertheless, a dog is a dog, and I should learn to be the boss. The problem started here a few days after begging my fiance's brother to let us take her early. He wanted to keep her with her parents and sister until she was exactly three months. She has never once seemed to suffer from any separation problems from her family, she just jumped right into running things. My fiance has the ability to not only be stern but loveable, she minded him perfectly. He took her out and she went, I take her out and she eats leaves.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Finally Home

After all this time I am finally moved into my house. I thought I would be lonely, but I am enjoying the peacefulness of it. My Fiancé is on the road all week and I did not know if I would be able to handle it or not. I don’t necessarily like being in the same room with everyone else, but I liked knowing they were in the house with me.
Now that the Broadband has been installed and I finally got to turn on the computer in my computer room (a whole room just for the computer!) I am enjoying the quietness that is in the other room. Mom’s cat is not on my desk knocking off my Longaberger Baskets (that really ticked me off the damn cat thought hmmm, a basket she actually paid 80 bucks for? Into the floor!) and the tv is not echoing through the hall. A friend at work told me that after I move out and I have my own house I will not want to ever go home again. That’s not completely true since I usually visit daily (it is just down the road after all) but I can see where that statement came from. I like going to bed with a clean house, and then having the pleasure of waking up to one. Just like I left it the night before.

Thursday, November 17, 2005


I don't normally get into holidays, feel free to call me scrooge, some do already. I just never got the whole idea of them (especially Christmas). However I got an interesting email the other day. Well more of a newsletter from a band some of my family belongs to, each of the members listed what they are thankfully for. It got me thinking a little. So here is my list of thankfulness. And for those that know me, no I am not getting into the holiday spirit. Don't panic.

I am thankful for my family, all of them. They are my support and best friends. Without them I would have nowhere to turn and be lost in a darkness I would never find my way out of. I am lucky to have my fiance, even though I could kill him some days he is one of few people that knows the real me and judges me for only the good (poor blind guy). I am lucky to have a best friend that has been there most of my life, and she has blessed my life with her friendship and her small son who has brought light into my life. I am thankful for a home to come to at days end when the rest of the world is crazy. Things will always be the same at home no matter what. I don't need a vacation getaway because I have that everyday.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Just life.

The house is coming along great, almost done. I bought all my appliances last week and my new furniture tonight. I will halfway be sad when it is all over because then I will not be able to do all this shopping. I can go now and write checks for a thousand dollars and nobody says a word about how much money I am spending. It is nice to walk in and pick out what you want, because it is what you want, not what you have to settle for because it is what you can afford. However this statement does not fully sum me up, because I am thrifty to. For instance I drove 50 miles to a scratch and dent warehouse to purchase my appliances. You can’t beat scratch and dent; they are brand new GE appliances with a five year warranty just like the new ones everywhere else.  I spent 980 dollars on a brand new stainless steel fridge, stainless stove, stainless steel microwave and a dishwasher. I still got what I wanted but the truth is I would have been too cheap to buy the stainless appliances at full retail price. I cannot even find the supposed dent or scratch on the fridge, stove, or dishwasher. The microwave has a dent in the back of it (like who cares about that!).

I am really stressing out about my fiancés job situation though. He quit his job to take a job driving a truck with his best friend of 15 years. They leased this semi truck and took off, well after three weeks of it his best friend has decided to quit. He can’t pay the 800 dollar a week truck lease payment on his own. Some best friend to leave somebody hanging like that. Of course I knew deep down from the start it was a terrible idea but I kept it to myself. I didn’t want to be the nagging girlfriend. The only good thing is that he can turn the truck back in and not be financially responsible for it. (I did make sure of that before I agreed for him to do this) I know that trucking jobs are a dime a dozen these days, but the fact that he was off work a couple weeks before starting training with the lease company, and has only worked a month and now he will be off again until he can train with another company. Not to mention it makes him look like he is job jumping. I know it will work out but I am a worrier!

Friday, November 11, 2005


A new patient told me this the other night. “When I was thinking about nursing homes, somebody told me that if I came here, that I would love (my name here)” I said well that is awfully nice, who said that? She told me and of course with all the patients that come in and out of there on a rehab basis I didn’t remember them. She said then, “they told me, that (my name) makes that place, she is the best, without her it wouldn’t be as good of a place.” Apparently the man was a patient of mine, and the wife told my current patient that she and her husband thought a lot of me. Some days are just ordinary days, and others you hear another affirmation of why it is that you do this. To know that you touched someone enough that they always remember you is such a blessing.

On the other side of this, I heard that a former patient of mine passed away. Of course I would never forget that patient. How could you forget someone so mean, rude and manipulative? I thought to myself well I bet no one goes to that funeral, and then I felt guilty thinking that. I am being honest though, and honesty is what counts right?!